


seeing light in the darkest things

by mizrosecat



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Best Friends, Bipolar Disorder, Demisexuality, Excessive Drinking, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Romance, Roommates, Sharing a Bed, Smut, Strangers to Lovers, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-08-28
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:39:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25344814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mizrosecat/pseuds/mizrosecat
Summary: Jungwoo is like the moon and Doyoung slowly realizes he loves basking under its light.orromcom meets euphoria in this au where doyoung and jungwoo are college roommates in america.
Relationships: Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Kim Jungwoo
Comments: 50
Kudos: 90





	1. partners in crime

**Author's Note:**

> okay i have important things to say before we start.
> 
>  **note** : on this universe, doyo and jungwoo are 19 at 2019, younger than the rest of NCT 127 boys, which remain the same age and exist as a 7 member group in skorea.
> 
>  **disclaimer** : this fic is self-indulgent in the way that i wrote this because the subjects present are close to my heart and personal experiences. nothing here is treated lightly or done for shock value. everything is handled sensibly. if you ever looked through my profile here you'll see i already wrote about bipolar disorder briefly. but i felt the need to write more, and fanfic turned out to be the right way to do it, a way to be objetive and detached from me enough so i could be comfortable examining it. why did i pick jungwoo? because his bubbly personality reminds me of myself a bit. i don't intend by any means to say that he experiences something similar irl. this is a work of fiction, with them as fictional characters in a fictional world, based on the personas they present as idols for us in the content they put out. finally, i wrote this (1) as a way to exorcise things i've been feeling (2) because i don't usually like how bipolars are portrayed in the media (3) in hopes that maybe this will help someone the way it helped me. 
> 
> i hope you enjoy reading this! ♥

Doyoung always thought memories flashing before one's eyes was a huge cliche, something only mentioned in books and movies. So when it happens to him, it's a cruel irony. Standing at the corridor of the hospital, he can see the chain of events unfolding right in front of him. It all leads to this moment, where everything comes to a boil, the heat of it burning into his mind, while he watches his friend being taken away.

* * *

_5 months earlier._

_Boston, MA._

Doyoung walks down the college campus dorm corridor that will be his home for the next year. He’s looking for his room, nervous stomach fluttering a bit. He just landed in the US a couple hours ago and it’s the first time he’ll live away from his family. He passes many boys in the same situation settling in, until he reaches his door. It’s half open and he can hear music coming from inside. He knocks and pushes on it.

There is a tall boy with his back turned to him, going through his things. His hair is a deep color of blood. Half of the room has already been occupied and colonized by his stuff.

“Excuse me. Hello” says Doyoung, rolling his suitcase inside and dropping his backpack on his bed.

The boy turns around, bangs whipping aside like slow motion, and Doyoung lands his eyes on one of the most graceful faces he’s ever seen. Full lips, angled jaw, fair skin, straight petite nose, cat eyes. Doyoung is taken aback. And his roommate is Asian too, he notices.

The stranger smiles with perfect white teeth, “Hi.”

Doyoung takes a little while to realize there is a hand, with short nails painted black, stretched out towards him.

“ _Annyeonghaseyo_ ” he says. “I mean, sorry, hi, nice to meet you.”

The boy laughs and shakes his hand. “Korean? Well that’s a funny coincidence. I’m Kim Jungwoo, nice to meet you.”

His English is good, with little accent.

“I’m Kim Dongyoung. But you can call me Doyoung.”

Jungwoo is smiling at him, their hands still clasped together. 

“Do you wanna grab coffee?” offers Jungwoo.

Doyoung, still flustered and surprised by the invitation, takes a while to process everything.

“Sure.”

They go to a campus coffee cart, light breeze ruffling the autumn leaves that are scattered over the gardens. Doyoung offers to pay and they find an empty bench. 

“How lucky are we to get roomed together” says Jungwoo casually. “At least I don’t have to deal with some dumb jock.”

Doyoung laughs into his hand. “Yeah, I guess we did get lucky.”

“Tell me about yourself. Let’s get to know each other” Jungwoo bats his eyes at him, turning his body towards Doyoung. “We’ll be living together for at least a year, I’m curious.”

At first, Doyoung is a bit shy. But Jungwoo has an aura to him, so inviting and warm, that puts Doyoung at ease, and soon they are talking like old friends. It’s crazy how much they have in common and that it took coming to the US to magically meet each other. They both graduated at top Seoul schools and come from well-off families. They are both Music majors and love to sing. They were both scouted by idol companies in South Korea but decided to turn it down and pursue a different path. 

“My mom really didn’t want me to become an idol” says Doyoung. “She says it’s a vicious industry, and I guess she’s got a point.”

“My mom doesn’t give a shit” says Jungwoo, shrugging. “And dad said he’d rather I get a proper education, that he’d pay for me to study anywhere. So I took the opportunity to get as far away from home as possible. And that’s how I got here.” Jungwoo smiles.

“Oh. Well, Boston is a good choice” Doyoung smiles. “Fun fact, I actually have a childhood friend that got street cast by SM.”

Jungwoo raises his eyebrows. “Really? No way. Did he debut?” 

“Yes. He’s in NCT.”

“What?” Jungwoo says in a high pitched shout. He laughs. “Oh my God, I love their music. They are touring the US soon! I already have my ticket for the Newark concert.”

“Me too. I miss him.”

“We’ll go together!” says Jungwoo excitedly, grabbing his arm.

“Deal” Doyoung smiles.

When they go back to their dorm, both help each other to finish unpacking. Doyoung is looking over his schedule and classes on his iPad, while Jungwoo is stretched in his bed, curling his bang between his fingers.

“We should go shopping” the redhead says. “Decor our room, make it more comfortable. What do you think?”

“Uh, sure” says Doyoung.

Jungwoo gets up and sits beside Doyoung on his bed.

“Tomorrow?”

Doyoung laughs nervously by the sudden proximity. “Yeah.”

Their personalities couldn’t be more different. Doyoung is timid and an introvert, while Jungwoo is sociable and an extrovert. He makes friends and can talk easily with anyone, while Doyoung keeps to himself. Jungwoo is very keen on skinship, and Doyoung is far from that. Jungwoo is disorganized and relies on Doyoung to remind him of class assignments, while Doyoung keeps his calendar up-to-date and has a color-coded system for everything.

Yet, they couldn’t be more harmonious, like opposites forces that balance and complete each other. Jungwoo starts bringing a side out of Doyoung that he never thought was there in the first place. Whenever Jungwoo hugs him or laces their arms together as they walk around campus, Doyoung doesn’t shy away from it. Jungwoo even manages to drag him to parties and gives him his first sips of alcohol. He also keeps trying to set Doyoung up with anyone that shows up and it becomes a running joke between them. It starts embarrassingly with Jungwoo listing all of Doyoung’s qualities to a couple girls from the Theater major, who don’t seem interested at all, and ends with the two of them laughing about it over IHOP pancakes after. 

Even their voices fit perfectly. They start practicing together, and eventually Jungwoo suggests they record some covers and post on the internet. Doyoung plays the keyboard and they both sing their rendition of Thinking About You, by Ariana Grande, with twinkling lights at the background on Jungwoo’s poster filled wall. They stare at each other during almost the entire song and when it ends, Doyoung feels something warm glowing in his chest. He knows there is something special here.

For the first weeks of the semester, they do everything together. They help each other out as they settle in a foreign country. They have the same classes, they study together, they eat together, they watch dramas together, they go to campus parties together, they explore the city together.

“Jungwoo, wake up” whispers Doyoung, one morning. 

“Hm.”

“We got class. Are you not coming?”

“No” Jungwoo mumbles from under the covers.

Doyoung looks at his wrist watch. “Are you sick? Do you need anything?”

“I just need to stay here a bit longer” Jungwoo says without moving. “Don’t be late because of me, go.”

Feeling a bit nervous, Doyoung leaves his friend. He takes a lot of notes to pass to Jungwoo. After his morning classes, he goes back to the room to find Jungwoo asleep. He gently places his hand on his friend’s neck and nape, trying to feel his temperature, wondering if he has a fever. He decides not to wake him and goes to his afternoon activities. 

At night, he decides to buy some Korean takeout and stops buy the pharmacy for basic cold and flu supplies. Doyoung finds Jungwoo awake in their semi-lit room, going through his phone, red hair all over the place.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” he says. “I was worried all day.”

Jungwoo shoots him a weak smile. “It’s fine. I just wasn’t feeling good.”

“Are you hungry? I got you some comfort food.”

“I could eat.”

They sit together on Jungwoo’s bed. He looks so lifeless and pale, drained of all the energy Doyoung got used to seeing from him. It’s weird and worrying.

“Do you need to take anything?”

“I don’t think so” says Jungwoo. “Maybe a muscle relaxer. A strong one.” 

“Okay, I got that.”

After Doyoung cleans everything, he takes a shower. When he’s back, Jungwoo is lying back in bed, watching him with lidded eyes as Doyoung puts his pajamas.

“Do you wanna watch another episode of that drama?” asks Doyoung. 

“Yeah. Get over here.”

Doyoung gets his iPad and lies beside him. Jungwoo huddles against Doyoung, head on his shoulder. Jungwoo usually comments the episodes a lot, but not tonight. He grabs Doyoung’s wrist and keeps caressing it all through the evening. They end up falling asleep together. 

He wakes up in a startle. Doyoung has his iPad over his belly and Jungwoo at his side, turned away from him. They don’t have any morning classes, so he gets up silently and goes out for a morning walk. The air is getting colder and he finds that he likes that a lot. He stops by the coffee cart before going back to his room. Jungwoo is still asleep and stays asleep as hours pass, and Doyoung has to eventually get ready for his classes.

It lasts until the weekend, when Jungwoo wakes Doyoung up by jumping in his bed.

“Let’s get some pancakes” he says to a barely awake Doyoung. “I’m craving pancakes!”

“O-Okay.”

They go to IHOP and Jungwoo is back to his usual self, talking nonstop.

“I don’t know what I want. Blueberry pancakes, chocolate chip, regular… What do you think, hyung?”

“Did you just call me hyung?” Doyoung laughs. “We never used honorifics and I’m like two weeks older than you?”

“Really? I forgot. I think I’m ready to order. Do you wanna share? Let’s share. Waitress?” Jungwoo calls the one near them. “Hi, good morning.”

“Welcome to IHOP, good morning, how can I help?” she says.

“I’ll want one full stack of the buttermilk original, one double blueberry and one chocolate chip. And coffee for me. Do you want coffee, Doyoung?”

“Yes, please.”

Jungwoo settles his head on his hands, leans on the table towards Doyoung as they wait for their food. His eyes are shining and are enhanced by the eyeliner Jungwoo applied. The same for his lips, coated in rosy lip tint.

“I think I know which song we should record next” he says.

“Which one?”

“Do you know Bazzi? He has a song called Mine” Jungwoo says, going through his phone and putting the song on.

The song starts slow, with a nice beat. Then it transforms into something else at the chorus. Jungwoo opens a smile and Doyoung can’t help his own. The lyrics are memorable, to say the least. 

“ _Running circles through my mind, even when it's rainy all you ever do is shine_ ” Jungwoo sings.

He starts moving his upper body with the beat and Doyoung laughs.

“So? What do you think?” asks Jungwoo.

“I loved it” says Doyoung.

Jungwoo celebrates as their pancakes arrive.

"Let's do it ASAP, then" he says, punctuating the letters comically.

It’s like the days Jungwoo was sick in bed didn’t really happened. Soon, they get overshadowed by his lively charms and Doyoung basically forgets about it.

“What are you wearing?” Doyoung asks, surprised at seeing his roommate in a baby pink fluffy hoodie with cat ears.

"Get here!" Jungwoo tapping the space next to him. He's sitting at the floor, leaning on his bed.

Doyoung complies. 

"Feel the plush. It's so soft" he smiles, taking Doyoung’s hand and putting it over his arm.

"Yeah, you're actually right" Doyoung agrees.

"Good. Because I actually got you one" says Jungwoo, pulling a package from his bed. 

"What? Jungwoo…" Doyoung picks the wrapper.

"Open it! Come on."

"Okay, okay" Doyoung tears the plastic, revealing the baby blue color of his model. "Oh my…"

"Put it on!" Jungwoo helps him with it, pulling the hood over Doyoung head.

Jungwoo beams at him before letting go.

"You look so cute. Do you like it?" He asks. 

"Yes" nods Doyoung. "You didn't have to."

"I was on an Amazon shopping spree and I figured why not" he shrugs. "You're my partner in crime. We must have an uniform."

Doyoung laughs and takes Jungwoo's hand.

"Yeah. We must."


	2. you're mine

After rounds of beer pong that he and Jungwoo ultimately won, and a couple shots of vodka, Doyoung feels like he’s floating while he walks through the frat house party. He lost Jungwoo in the mist of everyone and is looking around for him. Doyoung spots his redhead in a corner, talking to a sophmore girl from their major. 

“Hey” says Doyoung. “I thought I lost you.”

“There he is!” exclaims Jungwoo. “Our bunny.”

“Bunny? What?” laughs Doyoung.

“Yes, you look like a bunny” Jungwoo pinches his cheek. “Doesn’t he look like a bunny, Heather?”

“I guess” the girl laughs. 

“He’s so cute, isn’t he?” says Jungwoo, pulling him to a side hug so strong it kinda hurts.

Doyoung and Heather just laugh, because they’re too drunk to have any other reaction. They keep talking while Jungwoo does the thing where he hypes Doyoung up to other people, and he’s so used to it by now that he just takes it in stride. It’s not like anything ever came out of it and it’s not like Doyoung cares. It’s a gag for him. Which makes the following developments very unusual. Jungwoo claims he’s going to the restroom and disappears again, leaving Heather and Doyoung alone. They are chatting and because of the loud music, they come closer and closer. When Doyoung realizes, Heather’s mouth is against his ear as she talks. She’s rolling her long straight blond hair on her finger and Doyoung wonders if she’s flirting with him or not. She can’t be. Why would she do that?

“Do you wanna go up?”

“Up?”

“Yeah. Where it’s quieter.”

“Uh... Sure?”

She takes his hand and they go up the stairs, looking for an empty room. Doyoung suddenly feels himself sobering up a bit. Heather sits on a bed while Doyoung stands around awkwardly. The sounds of the party are faint now, but still very much there, filling the space between them.

"I think-"

"Sit down!" She smiles invitingly.

Doyoung shifts his weight from one leg to the other, then decides to just do as she says. 

“So-”

“J is right, you are cute” she touches his hair gently, taking it away from his forehead.

“Oh” Doyoung bite his lower lip. Her fingers go towards his chin.

She kisses him. Doyoung doesn’t know what to do with his hands, so he grips his jeans tightly. The last time he kissed anyone was in middle school and there wasn’t any tongue like now, so Doyoung just lets her steer everything. It’s not bad, but it’s also not the best thing ever. Maybe the alcohol is lessening the sensation he is supposed to feel, he thinks. 

Next thing he knows, Doyoung is falling with his back on the bed. This makes alarms sound in his head for some reason. Why is he resisting this so much? He realizes he doesn’t really want to be there. Where the fuck did Jungwoo go? He needs to leave.

Doyoung sits up and adjusts the glasses on his nose. “I actually gotta go find Jungwoo before he passes out on the streets.”

“Oh, okay.”

“Thanks, I mean, bye.”

Doyoung disappears as quick as he can. He springs down the stairs and shoots through the entrance doors. He picks up his phone and calls Jungwoo, but it goes to voicemail.

“Fuck.”

He looks around for him everywhere, asks classmates if they saw him. They say he left a while ago. So Doyoung decides to go back to their room, imagining that’s where his friend is. He walks alone in the cold night, feeling the freezing wind against his face sober him up. 

Doyoung gets to the dorm after a couple of minutes to find a peculiar scene.

He opens the door to his room and there is a man sitting on Jungwoo’s bed. And his roommate has his head is in between the man’s legs. When the stranger realizes Doyoung came in, he pushes Jungwoo away and tucks his cock inside his pants, running out of there, shoulder bumping against Doyoung so hard it hurts.

Jungwoo, who rolled around on the floor after being pushed, is on his back laughing. Doyoung rushes to his side, cupping the back of his head.

“Are you okay?” he asks.

Jungwoo can’t answer because he won’t stop laughing, holding his stomach and running out of air. Doyoung just stares at his makeup covered face, glitter eyeshadow running down his cheeks now, making him resemble a mixture of panda and sad drag queen. He’s still adorable as always, even in that drunken state, lips puffed up and glistening with spit from the blowjob he was giving. He fists Doyoung’s clothes, pulling him close.

“Hi” he says.

“Hey” Doyoung holds Jungwoo’s cheek. He can see his pupils are blown up. “What did you take?”

“What? Nothing.”

Doyoung knows he’s lying but doesn’t insist. “Let’s get you up.”

He pulls Jungwoo, who is tumbling around, and sits him on the bed. Now that Jungwoo stopped laughing, he doesn’t look so good and can’t keep himself steady. 

“Let’s go to the bathroom” says Doyoung, pulling Jungwoo’s arm over his shoulder.

He bends him over the sink and splashes some water on his face.

“Jungwoo? Don’t pass out on me.”

“I’m not” he mumbles. “I’m nauseous.”

Doyoung takes him to a stall and helps him kneel down. Jungwoo pushes his finger against his throat and makes himself vomit up all the beer and vodka and whatever else he drank that night. Doyoung flushes and picks some paper to clean Jungwoo’s mouth after he slides down, sitting against the stall wall. Doyoung takes his sweaty red bangs away from his forehead.

“Feeling better?” Doyoung asks softly, after a minute.

Jungwoo’s eyes are still closed. “Yeah.”

“Do you wanna drink something?” 

“A Coke Zero.”

Doyoung goes to the vending machine and brings back two cans of soda. He sits in front of Jungwoo, who is more responsive now. He looks like a beautiful mess. It’s insane to Doyoung that after all that he still finds his friend so adorable. He opens the drink for him and hands it over.

“Thanks.”

They sip in silent for a while.

“Sorry that I walked in on you” Doyoung says. “If I knew, I’d stayed at the party or just somewhere else.”

“It’s fine” Jungwoo shrugs and gives a little smile. “I don’t really care about it or whoever that was, I already forgot his name.”

“I don’t mind if you need the room to yourself for a while” explains Doyoung.

Jungwoo eyes him. “What about you? And Heather?”

Doyoung feels nervous. “Did you secretly set me up?”

“What? No, I didn’t” says Jungwoo. “Why? Did you hook up?”

“She kissed me.”

“What?” says Jungwoo with a loud hoarse voice. “How was it? Did you have sex?”

“No! No way” Doyoung feels heat crawl up his neck. “I just left.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. I just wasn’t into it.”

Jungwoo is looking at him with a frown, gears clearly turning in his head. “Okay. I guess she wasn’t your type.”

“She wasn’t.”

They finish their drinks and get ready for bed. 

Next day, they are both sporting hangovers, but Jungwoo’s is so bad he doesn’t wanna wake up or leave the bed.

Doyoung notices that after that weekend, Jungwoo’s mood takes a turn for the worse. He won’t stay glued to his bed, but he oversleeps and is generally less chatty. So when Doyoung manages to confirm with Taeyong their backstage passes for the NCT concert in Newark, he hopes it will lift Jungwoo’s spirits.

“You did  _ what _ ?” Jungwoo screams.

“I got us the backstage passes for the concert.”

Jungwoo belts something Doyoung doesn’t understand and jumps on his neck, holding him tight. After a long time, he pulls back and kisses his cheek, brings their foreheads together.

“You are the best” Jungwoo whispers.

Doyoung keeps his eyes closed and doesn’t really know what to say. 

“It’s nothing, really. I was going to see Taeyong anyway” he finally answers, pulling away from Jungwoo.

“You didn’t have to take me with you, though” Jungwoo smiles. “You know what? Let’s celebrate. It’s been a while since we recorded something.”

Doyoung warms up a bit while Jungwoo changes out of his pajamas and puts some makeup on. He’s already humming the song, when Jungwoo joins him.

“ _ I just had to let you know you're mine. _ ” 

They set up the camera and manage to do it in one take. It’s easy to sing with Jungwoo. It’s like they are vibing in the same frequency. Doyoung can see something in his eyes when they are doing a duet, all the emotions of the song passing like a movie. He loves looking at it.

Doyoung is preparing the upload, when Jungwoo, who’s been quiet so far, speaks up.

“Come here, Doyo.”

He complies, sitting beside him on the bed. “What’s up?”

Jungwoo hugs him by the waist, molding their bodies together easily. “What would I do without you, bunny.”

Doyoung laughs awkwardly, but touches the top of Jungwoo’s head with his lips and holds him close.

“You’re the best friend I ever had.”

His stomach does a flip with Jungwoo’s words. And it’s like a light switched on inside of him. He doesn’t know how to respond. Jungwoo glances up at him, his big dark cat eyes looking so pure and sincere, Doyoung gets chills all over his skin. He kisses Jungwoo’s forehead.

“You’re my best friend too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you liked it! next chapter: nct concert XD


	3. baby don't like it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a reminder that doyoung and jungwoo are 19, younger than NCT, who maintains their real life ages, that's why the dynamics are a bit different. (can you imagine doyoung being the same age as haechan? that would be funny.)

Doyoung and Jungwoo rented a car and are on their way to Newark, where they’ll catch the NCT 127 concert the next day. 

“Road trip!” Jungwoo has been repeatedly shouting all day long. “Okay, how do I pair up my phone with this car. Where’s my bluetooth.”

Doyoung is calmly stirring the wheel into the highway, sipping his coffee. The sun is high in the blue sky and he’s enjoying its warmth on that chilly day.

“I think I got it” celebrates Jungwoo. Then a songs starts to play and he’s dancing to it in no time.

Jungwoo is singing along and Doyoung can’t help but chuckle. They spend the first hour of the trip listening and belting to music together. After a heated rendition of My Heart Will Go On, Jungwoo is breathless and turns the volume down a bit. He’s messing around with his bangs and looking himself in the mirror.

“I guess I never asked if you are going home for winter break” he says.

“My mom really wants me to” answers Doyoung. “But I didn’t get a ticket yet. What about you?”

“Hell no!” Jungwoo laughs. “Now that I get to be free from my mom’s drinking and creepy relatives, I’m not going back so soon. I’ll be enjoying my Christmas and New Year’s happily alone, thank you very much. Although, if you stayed, we could have fun together.”

“Maybe I’ll just go for Christmas and we can do New Year’s eve?” Doyoung thinks out loud, already mapping flights in his head, trying to fit enough time to please his mom.

But the truth is he really likes Boston and has enjoyed his life there so far. Everything is different and new. The campus is diverse and he loves his classes, his professors, his freedom. He isn’t as homesick as he thought he’d be. 

“Deal” smiles Jungwoo.

They get to Newark by sundown and pull up to the hotel they booked near the concert venue.

“I’m sorry, did you say double?” Doyoung asks the receptionist. 

“Yes, sir.”

“Oh, but we booked a twin room.”

“Let me recheck” the lady clacks at her keyboard. “It was marked as a double room.”

“Do you have any other rooms?”

“No, the hotel is fully booked, I’m so sorry.”

“Doyo, it’s fine” interjects Jungwoo. “We already fall asleep in each other’s beds as it is, a couple nights here won’t make any difference.”

That makes the receptionist purse her lips trying not to smile and Doyoung feels his cheeks pink up. She hands them their key cards and they go up.

Jungwoo throws himself on the bed, kicking off his shoes. “At least it’s queen size. Much better than when we share a single back at the dorms.”

Doyoung settles his backpack down and takes off his shoes, climbing in bed with Jungwoo. He sighs deeply and closes his eyes, tired from driving. Jungwoo huddles closer and starts combing through Doyoung’s hair.

“Are you hungry? We can order some room service” he says.

Doyoung opens his eyes to find Jungwoo’s face very close to his. 

“I wanted to go out to dinner, though. But yeah, I’m tired from the trip.”

“We can stay here, watch TV. It’ll be fun!”

“Okay” nods Doyoung.

Jungwoo kisses his cheek a little longer than Doyoung has come to expect, than he goes searching for the menu. They take turns in the shower and slip into the hotel robes, waiting for their food. They order a lot of things, practically going for a mukbang. 

“Taste the cheesecake” insists Jungwoo, with a spoonful near Doyoung’s mouth.

“But I’m so full” he whines.

“Taste it.” 

“Alright” Doyoung laughs and opens his mouth, taking in a bite of the creamy dessert. “Hmmm, that’s good.”

“Told ya” teases Jungwoo. “Wait, you got some on your face.”

Jungwoo leans in and rubs his thumb over Doyoung’s bottom lip til the corner of his mouth, leaving a burning sensation after he is done, sucking on his finger unhurriedly. Doyoung frowns a bit. That affects him in a way he can’t quite explain.

They fall asleep watching a movie and sleep in the next day, saving energy for the concert. Taeyong texts Doyoung telling him they landed well and that he's anxious to see him.

"He sent a picture from soundcheck" says Doyoung, as they eat brunch at a fancy restaurant Jungwoo picked. "Look."

He gives his phone to Jungwoo, who is sipping on his fifth mimosa. 

"Oh my god. They are all so hot even in plain clothes."

Doyoung snorts as he gets his phone back. "I guess."

"Come on, bunny. You can't tell me you never had a crush on your hyung Taeyong" Jungwoo leans in, raises his eyebrows suggestively.

"I can assure you I did not" Doyoung laughs.

"You're no fun."

"He's just not my type."

"You keep saying that" Jungwoo says exaggeratedly. "Heather is not your type, Taeyong is not your type. What's your type then?"

"I'll let you know you when I meet them" answers Doyoung with a small smile on his face.

"Alright" Jungwoo rolls his eyes. "Waiter, can we get another round of mimosas please? Thank you so much."

After generous amounts of food, they head back to the hotel to rest some more. Jungwoo is a bit drunk.

"Doyo" he calls with his hand as well. "Come cuddle me."

"Okay. Setting an alarm just in case."

Doyoung takes off his blazer and lies beside Jungwoo, spooning him. Jungwoo interlaces their hands and pulls him closer. He sighs content. Doyoung closes his eyes, inhaling Jungwoo's scent, a mixture of his usual perfume and champagne. It doesn't take long for him to fall asleep. And soon Doyoung follows, feeling extra cozy.

The alarm wakes them up in time to shower and get ready for the concert. Jungwoo makes a cute Cherry Bomb inspired makeup and is taking his album to get signed. They have a quick dinner and head to the venue early, where they'll head backstage before the show.

"I'm nervous" says Jungwoo, as they approach the entrance. 

Doyoung takes his hand. "It's gonna be great. You look great. They are nice. I promise."

A security guard checks something in his earpiece before letting them through. The corridor is dark and straight, but Doyoung can see Taeyong approaching from afar.

"Hyung!"

"Doyoungie!" The leader of NCT smiles and opens his arms.

They hug tightly.

"I missed you" says Taeyong. "You look good. America must be treating you well."

"I guess" Doyoung answers shyly, pulling away. "This is the friend and roommate I told you about, Kim Jungwoo."

Like always, it's funny to speak in Korean after a long time of only English.

"Hi, nice to meet you" Jungwoo bows, looking starstruck.

Taeyong extends his hand to take Jungwoo's.

"I heard so much about you" smiles Taeyong. "You have a cute cherry on your cheekbone, I like it."

"Oh, thank you so much" says Jungwoo covering his mouth and bowing some more.

"Your makeup looks amazing, seriously" says Taeyong. "Let's go in to meet the boys."

They head inside to the dressing rooms, where NCT 127 is doing hair and makeup. Jungwoo holds Doyoung's hand tight again. 

"Guys, Doyoungie is here" announces Taeyong. 

The seven of them all holler hellos from their various seats. Haechan comes up to them and fist bumps Doyoung.

"Long time no see. And you are?"

"Kim Jungwoo."

"I like your makeup."

"Thanks."

Haechan smiles and goes back to what he was doing.

Taeyong sits them in a couch and catches up with Doyoung, while the members introduce themselves to Jungwoo when they find the time between getting ready and warming up for the show. 

"Guys, don't forget to sign Jungwoo's album. Pass it around" Taeyong says. "Tell me how is college like, Doyoungie."

"It's a lot of fun actually" says Doyoung. "This one over here makes sure of it."

He slaps Jungwoo's knee, who is biting his thumb. It's cute to see him shy for the first time ever, a new side Doyoung didn't know.

"Bunny is also a lot of fun" he says.

"Bunny? Who's bunny?' asks Johnny, who looks stage ready in their white costume.

"Doyo is bunny" says Jungwoo grabbing his cheek. "Doesn't he look like a cute bunny?"

"Actually, he does" agrees Johnny.

Taeyong laughs and Doyoung facepalms. Jungwoo pulls him into a tight side hug.

"We should probably head out and get to our seats" Doyoung says, looking at his wrist watch.

"Let's meet after the concert, you can come to our hotel" offers Taeyong. "We can have a drink, catch up some more."

"Sure. Text me the info and we'll be there." 

Doyoung and Jungwoo say their goodbyes and head to the side bleachers, where they get a good view of the stage. 

Jungwoo breathes out, hand on his chest.

"I can't believe I just met NCT 127."

"I told you they were nice."

"We talked! They signed my album! They all liked my makeup!" He reiterates, grabbing Doyoung by the shoulders.

Doyoung laughs. "Yes they did."

"They all treat you like a little brother, what's up with that?"

"I was always like Taeyong's little brother, so I guess they all see me that way."

Jungwoo takes Doyoung's face in his hand. "That's adorable. You're adorable."

He kisses his forehead then lets him go. 

Soon, the lights starts blinking and then turn off. The screams are deafening and the concert is starting. Jungwoo is waving his lightstick around like crazy. The music starts and it’s not Doyoung’s first NCT 127 concert, but the atmosphere is different and having Jungwoo with him makes things special. They sing along to the entire setlist and Jungwoo holds his hand for most of it. 

Like all good things, it goes by in the flash of an eye, unfortunately. They are riding the high of the show as they drive back to their hotel, waiting for Taeyong’s text. 

“Okay, they are actually staying nearby. We could walk” suggests Doyoung.

“Let’s get it!” 

They head over to the group’s hotel and the receptionist lets them up to Taeyong and Yuta’s room, where they’re eating with Jaehyun and Taeil, all fresh out of a shower, hair still wet.

“Do you want something from the minibar? Beer?” asks Taeyong, looking inside.

“Beer for me” says Doyoung. 

“Vodka” asks Jungwoo. 

They sit on Taeyong’s bed and he pulls Doyoung close by the neck. 

“Did you like the concert, Doyoungie?” 

“We loved it. You guys did amazing, seriously.”

“And that new song too. We love it” says Jungwoo, after a swallowing a big gulp of his drink.

“Thanks” says Yuta with a mouthful of food. Jaehyun and Taeil laughs at him.

Eventually Johnny, Mark and Haechan join them and everyone is catching up, talking in smaller groups, lounging around the room. 

“Taeyong told me you did cover videos” asks Taeil.

“He did? Er, it’s just a couple songs.”

Taeil takes his iPhone out of his pocket and opens YouTube.

“No, hyung, don’t look at it now” Doyoung says embarrassed.

“Come on, Doyoungie, I wanna hear you sing” says Taeil. “Taeyong, what’s the song?”

“Mine by Bazzi” says Taeyong from across the room. 

“Fine” concedes Doyoung. “I’ll show you.”

Doyoung takes his phone and finds the video. Taeyong and Haechan huddle closer to watch it too, Taeyong bringing another beer for Doyoung. He just drinks it down while his hyungs watch his cover.

“I told you it was good” says Taeyong, smiling proud.

“Your voices go great together” compliments Haechan.

“Hm” mutters Doyoung, feeling his face heat up.

“Your vocal range improved so much” points out Taeil.

“Thanks, hyungs” Doyoung says.

Taeyong rubs his back chuckling and Haechan messes Doyoung’s hair before leaving to bother Mark. 

From across the room, Doyoung can hear Jungwoo laughing, and he turns his head to find him over at Jaehyun’s lap. How that came to be, he has no idea. 

After a while, Doyoung realizes it’s getting late and some of them disappeared into their rooms to sleep.

“Where did Jungwoo go?” Doyoung asks Taeyong.

“Hm, I don’t know. Last I saw he was talking to Jaehyun.”

Doyoung looks at the time. “We should probably get going and let you sleep. Let me call him.”

It goes to voicemail. He texts him, but no response. He feels a weird pang in his gut.

“I’m gonna go” he says, getting up and looking for his coat. 

“Okay. Let me walk you” says Taeyong.

Doyoung says goodnight to the ones that are left and they head down. The streets are freezing at that time of the night, their breaths twirling like smoke in the wind. Taeyong passes his arm around Doyoung’s shoulder, pulling him close.

“I’m glad I got to see you, Doyoungie” he says.

“Me too, hyung. Thanks for everything” Doyoung means it, but he’s tired and he can’t help from sounding dejected.

“Hey, are you okay?” Taeyong stops and takes Doyoung’s face in his hands.

“It’s been a long day” he answers. 

Taeyong scours him closely. 

“Don’t worry about me, hyung. You’re the one who just performed a concert” he smiles.

“I’ll always worry about you” Taeyong says and kisses his forehead.

He walks Doyoung to his hotel and they say goodbye with a tight hug. 

Doyoung lies on the bed feeling surprisingly empty. He makes sure to charge his phone and leave its ringtone on, so he can hear if Jungwoo decides to call. He hopes his friend didn’t lose his key card or something, if he is even coming back to the room that night. Under the covers, Doyoung lays on his stomach, looking out the window, waiting for sleep to wash away his uneasiness.

He wakes up with a startle. Jungwoo is wrapping himself around Doyoung, mouth against his ear and neck. He smells of alcohol and something else.

“Bunny, I’m sorry I disappeared on you” he mumbles, drunken voice dragging.

“It’s fine” Doyoung moves around, putting his arms around him. 

“I’m so happy” Jungwoo sighs. “Thank you, bunny.”

Doyoung doesn’t answer, just holds him tighter, relief filling the previous void in his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for the people leaving comments and kudos! it means a lot ♥
> 
> by the way, for those who didn't catch it, jungwoo hooked up with jaehyun... yep.


	4. no time to die

Winter approaches and so do their finals. There are endless days of studying and practicing together. They’re tired, overworked and sleep deprived, like basically all students around that time. 

“So, I got my tickets. I’ll fly out as soon as the semester is over, and come back before New Year’s eve” says Doyoung.

They are on his bed with a bunch of music score sheets in between them, drinking steamy cups of tea. 

“What do you wanna do? We can go to a fancy party!” says Jungwoo. “I can find someone for you to kiss when the clock strikes midnight.”

Doyoung rolls his eyes. “Yes to the party. No to the someone.”

“Why would we go to a party if it’s not to kiss someone at midnight?” laughs Jungwoo.

“You can kiss whoever you like” Doyoung smiles at his friend’s antics.

“I’ll kiss you, then we both have someone” Jungwoo proposes.

“W-what?”

But Jungwoo doesn’t answer, his eyes are fixed somewhere behind Doyoung.

“Oh my God! The first snow!” he shouts. “Grab your coat.”

They get up quickly and put on their heavy winter clothes. Jungwoo takes Doyoung by the hand and they run outside, giggling.

The ground is slowly being covered by white. Jungwoo jumps towards the gardens, twirls around laughing, arms stretched out. At some point, Doyoung just watches his friend, mesmerized, while snowflakes fall down on his beanie and coat. He takes a couple steps and Jungwoo has his eyes closed, chin up, feeling the snow against his face.

Jungwoo finally looks at Doyoung and opens a huge beautiful smile, probably the most beautiful Doyoung has ever seen in his life. Bursting with joy and life. He just wants to get lost in it. Jungwoo comes close and takes his hand. Their breaths are fanning against each other’s faces while they are suspended in the moment.

“Let’s make angels in the snow” says Jungwoo, finally breaking the silence.

Doyoung nods. They play around while the inches of white starts growing and growing, til the point where they can have a snowball fight. They are laughing and shouting, not minding the other students around. 

Somehow the fight ends with Jungwoo tackling Doyoung to the floor.

“I win” he says, pinning down his arms.

“This is a low blow” says Doyoung, trying to wiggle himself free, but failing miserably.

“I know” says Jungwoo in a sultry voice, lifting one eyebrow.

Doyoung gulps and thinks he is probably blushing a bit. Jungwoo comes close and kisses the tip of Doyoung’s nose.

“Let’s go in, bunny. We are starting to freeze.”

Back in their room, they huddle together inside a heavy blanket. Jungwoo clings to Doyoung like he always does, arms and leg wrapped around him. Doyoung is stroking his hair, whose color faded to the point it is almost orange now, while they watch something on Netflix. 

“Doyo.”

“Hm.”

“I’m gonna miss you.”

“I’ll miss you too.”

After finals, Doyoung departs for South Korea. He is welcomed warmly by his family. The house feels strangely cold and big, and he feels small sleeping in his queen sized bed. But the food is good and his mother is ecstatic to see him. The worst part is being on the opposite timezone as Jungwoo, so their communication is basically only texts. Still, he tries to set up a video call with him, but they keep missing each other.

“Mom, there is no point in buying a bunch of clothes I won’t be able to take back with me” says Doyoung. “I don’t have much space over there anyway.”

She insisted he accompanied him to pick a Christmas gift and they are currently at Louis Vuitton.

“Why won’t you let your mom spoil you a bit?” she pouts. “And I told you we could get you an apartment, you wanted to stay at the dorms for the ‘real experience’.”

“Okay. But just one” he concedes.

She smiles at him. His phone vibrates and he picks it up.

_Snoopy: hey bunny_

_DY: hey! u up this time of the night?_

_Snoopy: can’t sleep_

_DY: i’m here. what you been up to?_

_Snoopy: not much_

_Snoopy: can i see u?_

Doyoung takes whatever clothes his mom selected from her arms. “I’ll go try these on now.”

He disappears into the fitting room and video calls Jungwoo. Soon, his friend’s face appears at the screen of his phone. His heart is fluttering until he sees how weary Jungwoo looks.

“Hey, bunny” Jungwoo says with a hoarse voice.

“Hey. Are you okay? You sound sick.”

“Maybe a cold, I don’t know. I miss you.”

“I miss you too” Doyoung tries to smile. He’s worried now. “Take care of yourself.”

“I will, don’t worry about me” says Jungwoo. “Where are you?”

“At a Louis Vuitton fitting room” he chuckles.

That manages to pluck a smile out of Jungwoo. “Are you getting me a Christmas gift?”

“Sure. What do you want?”

“Hm. You know the small messenger bag they have?”

“I think I saw that, yeah. I’ll bring one” says Doyoung. “What color scheme?”

“I’ll let you surprise me” Jungwoo smirks and bites his thumb. “Okay, get back to shopping. I’ll try to sleep again.”

Doyoung doesn’t wanna hang up, but he knows he should. “Okay. Let’s try talking again soon.”

“We will. See you, bunny.”

“See you.”

Jungwoo sends a kiss before cutting the call and Doyoung is pulled back to his reality, surrounded by clothing he doesn’t really wanna try on. So he just looks at them and picks a random shirt he knows his mom will like, then goes looking for Jungwoo’s gift.

The days pass and to Doyoung’s woe, Jungwoo’s messages grow scant until they stop. It’s Christmas eve when Doyoung realizes it’s been a while since he’s heard from his friend and that leaves a sour taste in his mouth. He tries to think of reasons that explain Jungwoo’s disappearance, but can’t think of any good ones.

He is a nervous wreck during his family’s traditional annual dinner, feeling his tie suffocate him. He excuses himself and goes to the toilet, splashing water at his face and pulling up his DMs with Jungwoo, rereading their last messages.

On an impulse, he opens Google Flights and searches for the next tickets to Boston. The fastest options are sixteen exhausting hours and the next flight leaves from Incheon in five hours. There are still seats available. Doyoung’s thumb is hovering over the “Purchase your ticket” button. In a split second gut decision, he clicks it. His parents will kill him. But he can deal with that later. Something is telling him he needs to be back in Boston.

Instead of going back to dinner, Doyoung heads to his room to pack. He’s almost done when his mom appears.

“Son, what are you doing?”

He sighs before turning to face her.

“I’m going back to Boston.”

“What do you mean? You already have your ticket for the 28th.”

“I need to go back now” he approaches her, trying to make her see in his eyes the urgency he feels in his racing heart. “Something’s not right with Jungwoo.”

“Your roommate?”

“He hasn’t answered my texts in a couple days. I’m scared something’s happened to him.”

“Oh, Doyoung, don’t be silly. That’s what the kids call ghosting these days” she answers, sitting on his bed casually.

“Mom, I’m serious” he insists. “I already bought the ticket, I leave in less than five hours.”

“Doyoung, you are leaving your family on Christmas because your friend ghosted you?”

“Think about it like this” he sits beside her. “We spent basically eighteen and a half Christmas together. Now I get to spend just one with him.”

His mom is clearly analysing him. “Have you tried contacting anyone at Boston that can reach him?”

“We don’t really have other friends there, mom. And most of our major classmates are home too.”

She nods. “I guess I can’t stop you from pulling this stunt now that you bought your ticket. But how about next time you bring him along with you, so you don’t have to do it again.”

Doyoung hugs his mom. “Thank you.”

On his flight to Detroit, the first leg of the trip, Doyoung can barely sleep. He buys a tall jug of black coffee to drink while he waits for his connection to Boston. His eyes are dry and sore, his stomach is in shambles, his muscles ache all over. But as the clock ticks, his excitement to see Jungwoo again flourishes exponentially. 

After landing in Boston, he takes an Uber to his campus. Inside his backpack, Jungwoo’s present is wrapped and ready for him. 

He rushes to the dorms and up the stairs.

“Jungwoo, I’m back” he says, opening the door.

Doyoung’s world comes to a halt.

Jungwoo is on the floor of their room.

Doyoung kneels beside him and turns him around. “Jungwoo, wake up.”

He takes Jungwoo’s face in his hands. He’s barely breathing.

“Jungwoo.”

His hands are shaking as realization hits that he is not sleeping. He reaches for the phone in his pocket, fingers almost unable to type 911.

“ _911, what’s your emergency?_ ”

“I just found my friend passed out in our dorm” he says, trying to keep his voice steady, but it hardly wants to come out.

Everything that happens next is a flash. Paramedics are quick to show up and they load Jungwoo in a stretcher, taking him to the ambulance. Doyoung rides with them to the hospital. He can barely hear them talking or see them moving fast, administering emergency care. Doyoung just holds Jungwoo’s hand and stares at his face covered by an oxygen mask.

When they get to the hospital, they start wheeling him away quickly, a couple of doctors surrounding him.

“Are you with him?” asks one of them. “Hello, sir?”

“What?”

“Do you know what he took?” she asks.

Doyoung’s eyes go from Jungwoo to the doctor and back. He shakes his head.

“I’m sorry you can’t go past the doors” she says. “We need you to check him in at the reception, please.”

And they’re gone, leaving Doyoung behind in the middle of a corridor.

Lost is an understatement for what he’s feeling.

He clutches his chest, heaving. Doyoung searches for the nearest wall to rest against, slowly sliding down to the ground, pulling his legs close to his body. People pass him by, not really paying attention. He stays there for who knows how long, hiding his face behind his knees. He starts sobbing, unable to hold the dam of feelings inside his chest. He’s so tired, he doesn’t even care what it looks like. On his shoulder still hangs his backpack with Jungwoo’s gift inside.

When he calms down, he wipes his puffy face on his sleeves and heads to the reception, where a nurse gives him a form to fill. Because he is Jungwoo’s emergency contact and because he was extremely organized, he kept a Google Docs file with all his friend’s information in case he needed. Doyoung just never thought that the emergency in question would be the one he is going through right now.

Then, he waits.

Sitting at the hospital lounge, Doyoung feels like he isn’t there, like reality split open and he is in between worlds. He has no idea how many hours pass when the same doctor comes up to him.

“Hi, how are you? I’m Dr. Riya, the resident in charge. We didn’t get a chance to introduce ourselves before.”

Doyoung gets up. “Can I see him?”

“Yes, you can. Are you related?” she asks.

“He’s my cousin” lies Doyoung. It helps they shared the same last name.

“Let’s go up and I’ll update you. What’s your name?”

“Kim Dongyoung.”

He tails her through the corridors and up an elevator to the psych ward. Everything smells sterile and looks terrifying in Doyoung’s eyes. He never liked hospitals. Dr. Riya shows him to a single room, where Doyoung can see Jungwoo lying unconscious. He rushes to his side and picks his hand.

“What happened to him?” he finally asks.

“Can you contact his parents?” she says.

“Yes, but they are back in South Korea” he says. “Tell me what happened.”

“He overdosed on opioids” Dr. Riya says. “Probably an entire bottle. We had to pump his stomach.”

Doyoung feels like he might be sick. 

“Paramedics reported you found him and called 911?”

He just nods. He can’t take his eyes off Jungwoo’s unusually pale skin, his ginger hair looking lifeless, faded almost to a blond. 

“I need to ask a couple questions” she clicks her pen. “How did he seem this past week? Was he eating? How was his energy levels?”

“I was in South Korea with my family. I arrived from the airport and found him like this” he says. “But he hadn’t been responding my texts and that’s not like him.”

Doyoung can feel the back of his eyes burn. He doesn’t wanna cry again. 

“What’s he usually like?”

“He’s like the sun. He’s bubbly and energetic and talkative. Except…”

“Except?”

“Sometimes, some weeks, he gets sick and won’t leave the bed.”

“He gets sick?”

“Like a cold or the flu. He says he doesn’t feel well.”

“He gets a fever?”

“No.”

Dr. Riya is staring at him and Doyoung looks at her.

“What?”

“Does he ever spend money on things he doesn’t need?” 

“I guess so.”

She writes down some more things.

“I think you should call his parents” Dr. Riya suggests. “We have to wait for him to wake up to confirm everything that happen, though.”

“Confirm?”

She presses her lips in a line. “I’m sorry, Mr. Kim. I’ll update you more when we talk to your cousin.”

And she leaves. 

Doyoung’s tears finally come out again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope this didn't scare anyone! as i put on the tags, the story has a suicide attempt :(
> 
> let's see how they both cope after this!


	5. don't let me shine

Doyoung has to be basically kicked out from Jungwoo’s room by the nurses but he doesn’t leave the hospital. He finds a sofa and naps there, waiting for Dr. Riya to update him. 

He manages to eat something sometimes. Truly, he doesn't know what day it is anymore. He loses track of time. 

Doyoung is supposed to call Jungwoo's parents, but he's scared. He doesn't know what to say, because he doesn't understand what happened or why. He can't possibly inform them without talking with Jungwoo first. Maybe there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for everything. That's what some part of him hopes. The part that pushes aside the dark thoughts that now plague his every sleeping hour, hours he barely manages to get. 

"Mr. Kim?" it's Dr. Riya. "The nurses tell me you haven't left the hospital."

Doyoung just rubs his tired eyes and gets up. "Can I see him?"

"Yes. He's awake now and he wants to talk to you."

His heart races in an instant. Doyoung feels more alert now, walking to Jungwoo's room, than in the last few days. 

"He had an ECT session a couple hours ago. He's on antiemetics and painkillers. So he might be a little hazy."

"Okay" he nods. 

Doyoung finds Jungwoo lying in his bed, looking out the window, IV drip attached to his arm. Doyoung knocks before going in. Jungwoo turns around, his eyes are glazed, but he smiles faintly.

"Bunny" he says and Doyoung's heart bursts in his chest.

He almost runs to his side, taking his hand and cupping his face. 

"I'm here" Doyoung manages to say, voice faltering.

Jungwoo closes his eyes and pulls him close. Their foreheads touch.

"What happened?"

"I'm sorry" Jungwoo whispers. "You weren't supposed to be here."

"I was worried, so I came back."

"Lay with me" Jungwoo sighs.

Doyoung complies and Jungwoo huddles under the crook of his arm. They stay silent for a bit and Doyoung just wants to close his eyes and sleep with him, but he can't.

"Jungwoo, the doctor said I should call your parents. I need to know what to say to them."

"No, don't call them" he says, clutching Doyoung's coat. 

"Tell me what happened" Doyoung insists, now looking at Jungwoo, holding his chin firmly.

Jungwoo's glassy eyes are shining with tears.

"I was tired" he mutters painfully. "My mind, I couldn't take it anymore. I was done."

Realization finally hits Doyoung. Now it all makes sense. Even if all the signs were pointing at it like red arrows, Doyoung needed to hear it from Jungwoo's mouth, otherwise he'd never believe.

Doyoung just holds him close, so hard it probably hurts. But Jungwoo lets him.

They end up napping together for a few hours. Dr. Riya wakes them up and she has her attending doctor with her. Doyoung climbs off the bed, a bit embarrassed. 

"How are you feeling, Jungwoo?" the attending asks.

He shrugs. "Hazy."

"That's normal after the ECT. Have you contacted your family?"

Jungwoo and Doyoung trade looks. 

"I'd rather not."

"Jungwoo, we wanna make sure you have a support system to discharge you."

"He has me" says Doyoung. "Our family is in Korea, so it's complicated."

"You two are…?"

"Cousins and roommates."

Jungwoo doesn't blink at the lie. 

"Okay" the attending nods. "Jungwoo, from what we gathered, we believe you suffer from bipolar disorder. That explains the drastic mood swings you've been having since you were 17."

Doyoung is taken aback. But that still doesn't beat Jungwoo's terrified expression.

"Dr. Riya will explain the medication and your follow up."

The attending wishes him well and leaves to check on other patients.

"So, Jungwoo. We are prescribing a mood stabilizer, starting with a smaller dose and then doubling, so you'll start with one pill a day, then two. The ECT really helps, but you need to be on medication as soon as possible."

Doyoung is watching Jungwoo's face as he hears all that. He looks lost and overwhelmed.

"We are also forwarding you to a psychiatrist. We set an appointment for tomorrow."

Jungwoo nods. 

"I brought you some flyers" she says. "And your discharge papers."

"Thanks Dr. Riya" says Doyoung, taking the forms.

She smiles at them. "If you need anything, call me. I wrote my number there."

Jungwoo goes over the colorful flyers and puts them aside, while Doyoung fills his discharge forms. A nurse comes in a while later to take out Jungwoo's IV.

"I can't believe we've been here for almost 72 hours" says Doyoung offhandedly. 

“Yeah.”

"Ready?" asks Doyoung and Jungwoo nods.

They ride in silence to their dorms. The sun is setting and the sky is all orange and pink. Jungwoo is staring out the window but reaches for Doyoung's hand, interlacing their fingers. 

When they get to their room, it's strange for both of them. Memories flood Doyoung's mind. Everything is exactly as it was when the paramedics took Jungwoo away. So when he snaps out of his reverie, Doyoung starts moving things around and tidying it up. Jungwoo joins, but moves slowly, like he is unsure of what he is doing. 

Doyoung then drops his backpack and opens it, remembering what's inside. He turns around and hands over the wrapped bag to Jungwoo.

"I brought your gift."

Jungwoo picks it up, looks at the bag, looks at Doyoung. Then he lets out a sob and starts bawling.

"Jungwoo…" Doyoung holds him close immediately, even if he doesn't understand the reaction.

Doyoung sits Jungwoo on the bed, who has clutched his sweater with iron fists and won't let go. He lies down with him, pulling Jungwoo close and letting him cry it out. Again, he loses track of time. When he realizes, they both were asleep for a while. Jungwoo is still passed out. He disentagles himself from his friend, but decides to leave his sweater close to him.

He takes a long well-deserved shower. His body feels like it has been beaten down after barely sleeping at the hospital for almost three days. Doyoung can’t wait to go back to bed. But before that, he finishes unpackaging. He wants everything to be nice for when Jungwoo wakes up. Doyoung eats a chocolate bar from the vending machine and drinks a cup of tea, then gets in bed beside Jungwoo again. For a moment he just watches him, face so calm when he sleeps, and wonders what goes on inside his head. What monsters crawl inside, to make him so tormented. What casts a light so bright, that makes the shadow so dark.

“You don’t have to come with me” says a sleepy Jungwoo with wet hair, getting ready for his appointment with the psychiatrist. 

Doyoung picks up the towel and starts rubbing his head. “I don’t have anything to do.”

“We don’t know how long is gonna take.”

“That’s what phones are for.”

Jungwoo gives up arguing and they walk to the doctor’s office. It’s a nice place near campus. Jungwoo signs up at the reception desk.

“I’ll let you know when the doctor is ready for you, Mr. Kim.”

They sit in silence. Jungwoo is fidgeting with the hems of his sleeves.

“It’s gonna be fine” says Doyoung.

“Easy for you to say” mutters Jungwoo. “I fucking hate the idea of voicing my innermost thoughts.”

The receptionist calls him before Doyoung can say anything.

It really does take time. Jungwoo stays inside the doctor’s office for one hour. When he comes out, Doyoung can see Dr. Taylor is a kind-looking woman and in her late thirties.

After that, Doyoung convinces Jungwoo to go to iHop. 

“I’ll want a coffee and a double blueberry stack, please” says Doyoung to the waitress. “What about you?”

“Just tea.”

Jungwoo not eating pancakes at iHop is weird. But then, it’s truly like their world has turned upside down since he got back from Korea.

“Not hungry?”

Jungwoo shakes his head. “This med just leaves a weird taste in my mouth.”

“Oh” goes Doyoung. “So, did you like Dr. Taylor?”

“Yeah” he nods. “I’ll see her again next week.”

“That’s good.”

“She confirmed what the doctors at the hospital said” says Jungwoo, playing with the sugar packages. “I guess I’m really bipolar, or whatever.”

He sighs.

“And all this time I thought my stupid decisions were just my own.”

“You don’t make stupid decisions” Doyoung tries to argue.

Jungwoo finally looks at him, eyebrow arched. “I do, Doyo. I started when I was seventeen and have been ever since. Stealing liquor bottles from my mom’s cabinet. Having careless sex with strangers. Maxing out my credit card. And the limit was fucking high, okay? Anyway, you’ve seen how reckless I can get sometimes.”

Doyoung can’t really counter that. He witnessed Jungwoo’s drinking, shopping and sexual idiosyncrasies more than once. He just thought that’s how he was.

“And then… The days in bed” says Doyoung.

Jungwoo glances away again. “I lied that I felt sick so you wouldn’t think something was wrong.”

“But you knew something was wrong?”

He nods.

“Why wouldn’t you wanna tell me?”

“I didn’t want you to see that side of me” Jungwoo says, downcast. “The ugly parts of me.”

Doyoung is speechless. Because he can’t believe his friend would want to hide from him. There were no ugly parts in Jungwoo that Doyoung could see, even now. But before he can say anything, his pancakes arrive. He takes a bite, then cuts another for Jungwoo.

“Come on. Eat just a little.”

Jungwoo takes a deep breath and accepts it. 

Any plans they had before for New Year’s eve are obviously cancelled. Jungwoo sleeps and stays in bed a lot. He eats way less than he used to. It’s like he’s almost frozen in time, a photograph of a person, barely human anymore. Sometimes Doyoung can see the old shine in his eyes, but it’s passing. 

It’s the last day of the year. Doyoung orders them some takeout for dinner and goes out to get sodas from the vending machine. He comes back to see Jungwoo sitting in his bed, looking out the window. It’s snowing.

“Do you wanna go outside?” Doyoung asks.

“Sure.”

The gardens are covered in a thick layer of white. Jungwoo just stands there, looking up, hands inside his pockets. Doyoung watches him closing his eyes and taking a long inhale. They stand there for some time, until the cold becomes too much.

Back in their room, they eat while watching some Netflix.

“Well, that’s our New Year’s eve” says Jungwoo, after they clean up, looking at the clock. “It’s almost midnight.”

“I’m okay with this” Doyoung says, glancing at him.

“I’m not.”

“Why?”

“I promised we’d have fun” he says. “That I’d find someone for you to kiss at midnight.”

“I don’t care about that” Doyoung laughs. 

“I just hate this feeling that you’re stuck with me here, because I’m malfunctioning.”

Doyoung moves closer to Jungwoo. “I’m not stuck here. I’m here because I want to. And you are not malfunctioning.”

Jungwoo just looks away, disheartened. 

“So what if you have bad days? We all do.”

“You don’t. You’re fucking perfect.”

Doyoung rolls his eyes with humor. “I’m far from perfect. I barely take risks. I don’t try anything new. I’m kind of a control freak. My semester would have been boring as hell if I never met you.”

Jungwoo shakes his head and covers his face with his hands, grunting into it. “I just can’t believe you’re still here after everything I put you through.”

Doyoung pulls his hands away, making Jungwoo look at him. “Of course I’m here. You didn’t put me through anything. You were sick and now you are recovering.”

He punctuates his words, so they are clear as water.

“You’re the one who’s struggling. Not me.”

Jungwoo’s eyes are filling with tears. Doyoung cups his face.

“Everything’s gonna be okay soon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh the feeling of getting a bipolar diagnosis is imprinted in my memory forever, haha.  
> anyway!  
> lmk what you think ♥


	6. no promises

Everything is getting better slowly, Doyoung is sure of it. Even through the tough moments.

“You called them?” Doyoung asks about Jungwoo’s parents.

Jungwoo nods.

“And what did they say?”

“My mom screamed a bunch of shit and said that it’s not her fault, because she - and I quote - ‘raised me well’.”

Doyoung doesn’t know how to respond.

“Which is a lie, because I read bipolar is probably hereditary, so it’s her fault in the end” Jungwoo adds bitterly. “Whatever. They wanna pretend nothing happened and that’s fine by me.”

But of course that’s not a possibility for the two of them. Not for Jungwoo, who’s still accepting his disorder, and not for Doyoung, who watches his friend struggle daily. 

The lithium makes Jungwoo’s hands shake and sometimes even his voice, which affects his singing. He can’t focus like he used to and he forget things, like subjects discussed in class or paying his credit card bill. Jungwoo says it makes water taste funny and leaves a weird feeling in his mouth and stomach after taking it. Because of it, he starts losing weight from not eating as much anymore. He also needs to have blood tests to check for a long list of things, because apparently lithium can be toxic on the body.

But worst of all, Jungwoo is emotionless most of the time. He’s not bedridden or suicidal or hectic anymore, but he still seems depressed. There is no other way to put it.

Doyoung knows his place though. He understands he’s not responsible for Jungwoo’s mood. As much as he cares and wants to see him well, he doesn’t wanna overstep. He makes sure to give him space, so Jungwoo doesn’t feel pressured. There is a fine line between supporting him and becoming overbearing, or risking possessiveness.

Some days, things are simply bad.

One night, Doyoung gets back to the room to find Jungwoo lying on his bed, just staring at the wall. He didn’t go to his classes.

“Hey” Doyoung sits besides him, rubbing his shoulder. “Do you need anything?” 

Jungwoo shakes his head. Doyoung decides to just spoon him and not press any further.

“I just” he starts slowly, after a couple minutes. “Don’t wanna be myself sometimes.”

Doyoung feels his muscles go rigid. He just holds Jungwoo close and tries to push his pain away, because seeing his friend sad shreds him to pieces. 

“Talk to me” whispers Doyoung. “Tell me what’s going on.”

Jungwoo turns around to face him. They are close, close enough to feel each other’s breaths.

“I don’t wanna live like this” he answers. “Scared of the highs and lows. Scared to feel... the way I felt in December.”

Doyoung is rubbing Jungwoo’s back up and down in a soothing manner.

“You don't have to be scared” he tries to say. “I’m here with you.”

“That’s the problem” Jungwoo says with a faltering voice.

“Why?”

“Because I’m broken. It’s not fair. You’re not supposed to take care of me. I don’t want you to bear that responsibility” Jungwoo’s eyes start filling up with tears. “The fact that you had to see me at my worst and…”

He can’t finish his sentence and he shuts his eyes, pained expression.

“Shhh” coos Doyoung. “This is not how it’s gonna be forever. You are learning to manage it. You barely started your treatment. There are so many options you can try to feel better. Promise me you’ll talk to Dr. Taylor about this. Please.”

Jungwoo nods while tears roll down his face. He sniffs.

“And it’s perfectly fair. I’m your friend. And you’re my friend” continues Doyoung, lips against Jungwoo’s forehead. “I’ll take care of you now. You’ll take care of me when I need.”

He can feel Jungwoo shaking inside his embrace, so he hugs him closer.

“Okay?”

“Okay.”

After Jungwoo’s next appointment, things start looking up.

“She lowered the lithium a bit, so the shaking will probably stop” he explains, sounding cheerful for the first time in weeks. “And she prescribed another mood stabilizer. Let’s see if that helps.”

And it does. With the change in his meds, along with his weekly therapy, Jungwoo starts shaping up into a new version of his old self. Suddenly, he shows up with blond hair, which suits him so well, making Doyoung’s heart flutter a bit. He still can identify Jungwoo’s mood swings though, but they are less harsh and intense than before. On good days, they watch dramas, go to the movies, study, just like before. And on the bad ones, Doyoung just holds Jungwoo’s hand, knowing they will pass.

“I think we should cover Demi Lovato” says Jungwoo one night, randomly. “She’s bipolar, I’m bipolar. It’s fitting.”

Doyoung looks at him and can’t help but laugh. “Okay.”

They are running over No Promises and it’s easy, because it’s a duet already. Jungwoo is really singing for the first time in months and it’s amazing to hear him. Doyoung is just sitting there, fascinated, barely keeping up with the chords over his keyboard.

“I’m ready, let’s do this” declares Jungwoo excitedly.

He is looking ethereal with soft black eyeliner, blond bangs parted in the middle, singing his heart out, and it’s hard to keep his eyes off of him. Doyoung needs to snap out of it and open his Macbook to stop his reverie.

Doyoung loads their channel on YouTube.

“What?!”

He blinks a couple times, not believing his eyes.

“What’s up?” asks Jungwoo, from his bed.

“I-, we-, our videos-” tries Doyoung.

Jungwoo lifts his eyes from his phone to stare at him. “What happened?”

“Come over here.”

He jumps beside Doyoung in bed. “What the hell?  _ Six hundred thousand views _ ?!”

They look at each other, surprise on every inch of their faces.

“When the fuck did this happen?” Jungwoo inquiries.

“I don’t know. I haven’t looked at it since before I went to Korea” confesses Doyoung. “We had barely two thousands views…”

Jungwoo opens the comments under their Bazzi cover.

“Oh, my God, Doyo. Look at all of these.”

  
  


_ czennie99: omg u guys are adorable!!! the redhead is so cute _

_ 127maryjoan: THIS IS AMAZING! i have it on repeat _

_ daechwita7: like if u ship them _

_ 3947697: my favorite cover so far _

_ johnnysbabymama: pls do more covers!!! _

  
  


Both of their videos are flooding with tens of thousands of comments. Doyoung just drops his Macbook on the bed and sits back, letting it sink in.

“This is insane” says Jungwoo. “People fucking loved it.”

“I was not ready for this” admits Doyoung. “I guess the algorithm just went crazy on us?”

“I guess” Jungwoo looks at him. “This is fun, though.”

“You think?”

Jungwoo laughs. “You look terrified.”

“I am terrified.”

“Why?”

“Because everyone heard me sing.”

“Good for them” Jungwoo slaps his thigh. “Your voice is beautiful, it should be heard by everyone. I feel sorry for people who didn’t.”

“Stop it” Doyoung laughs, looking away. 

“I mean it. Doyo, you’re amazing.”

Jungwoo pulls his chin and Doyoung holds his stare in silence. Something passes between them. A spark.

Something flashes on the screen, calling his attention. The video is ready to be uploaded.

“Guess I’ll upload this now and see what they think?” says Doyoung, hitting send and putting the notebook away. 

Jungwoo is biting his thumb. “Let’s get dinner and forget about it for a while. How about that?”

“Awesome.”

Their idea of dinner, of course, is iHop.

“I don’t get it” says Jungwoo. “You want to work with music, but not be famous? Isn’t that a little hard.”

“I know, okay? It’s my contradiction” answers Doyoung. He runs his fingers through his dark hair. “The spotlight can be uncomfortable. Losing your privacy. I don’t know. It’s terrifying.”

“You are actually right.”

Doyoung shrugs.

“It’s not all bad though” Jungwoo adds. “It was nice knowing people liked us together. They even ship us.”

Jungwoo smiles wickedly. Doyoung feels his face heating up. Their food arrives just then and he’s grateful the subject is dropped. 

When they get back to their dorm, there are already many views and comments in their video.

“They love your blond hair” smiles Doyoung, going through his phone.

“Oh, that’s nice. I like it too” he laughs. Jungwoo sits beside him. “You never told me what you think of it.”

Doyoung puts his phone away and looks at him.

“I like it a lot” he says, brushing Jungwoo’s bang away from his forehead.

And again, the spark. Something stirring in his stomach as he looks at Jungwoo. A violent whirlwind. 

His hand finally falls away from Jungwoo’s face, but Jungwoo takes it. He kisses Doyoung’s knuckles gently, and Doyoung loses his breath at the touch. Jungwoo places Doyoung’s hand on the side of his neck and scours his face, gaze stopping on Doyoung’s lips. Jungwoo starts closing the distance between them and Doyoung can’t look away.

He finally shuts his eyes when their mouths touch, Jungwoo’s so soft and tasting of cherry lip balm. His skin is suddenly electric, a shiver running down his spine. Doyoung opens his lips and feels Jungwoo’s tongue against his. His hand on Jungwoo’s neck clutches hard holding him there, while Jungwoo’s arm slides around his waist. They’re kissing slow and deep, and it’s not the first time for either of them, but for Doyoung it never felt like this. His whole body is almost quivering under it, inside and out. 

They draw close and Jungwoo sighs weakly. That only makes Doyoung more keen, and he wraps his hand around his friend’s blond strands. He tugs a bit and Jungwoo moans into their kiss. Things get heated quick, their bodies feeling like a pyre against each other. Doyoung is so hard it’s uncomfortable against his tight jeans and that never happened with anyone else he kissed. He’s feeling drunk on that feeling, on having Jungwoo’s mouth pressed against his, nibbling and licking.

Jungwoo moves to his lap, straddling him, hands sliding over his chest to his nape, leaving trails of scorching heat. Doyoung caresses down Jungwoo’s back, getting his palms under his shirt, hungry for more skin to skin contact. They keep kissing, barely breathing, until they are so dazed with lust they can barely hold their eyelids open. 

Doyoung is fine with not taking it further than this. He barely expected anything remotely close to this ever happening. He didn’t think Jungwoo was interested in him that way. And didn’t think he was interested in Jungwoo, or men, that way. But now his body is telling him otherwise and all his mind sees is Jungwoo - his cat eyes, his blond hair, his soft warm skin under his hands, his lean body so close to him. 

Jungwoo’s hips rut against his lap and Doyoung can’t hold back a low moan. He keeps moving on top of him, kissing down his jawline and neck. Doyoung throws back his head, eyes fluttering shut, the friction on his cock enough to slowly drive him insane. Jungwoo probably takes his little noises as a sign to keep going, because his hands reach Doyoung’s belt.

“Can I?” he asks, with a hoarse voice.

“Yeah” Doyoung barely says, unable to open his eyes.

Jungwoo works Doyoung’s pants open. He rubs Doyoung’s erection over the underwear and that’s enough to make him sink his teeth into his bottom lip hard. Jungwoo kisses him, brushing his tongue on the place Doyoung almost broke skin. They move their lips languidly, while Jungwoo takes Doyoung’s cock in his palm. The feeling alone makes him delirious. But Doyoung tries to center himself and goes for Jungwoo’s zipper. He fumbles with it a bit, then finally takes Jungwoo in his hand as well, hearing him moan at the firm grip. Doyoung coats his fingers in precome and starts moving it much like he does it to himself, if not a bit ungainly. It’s hard focusing on it when the touch of Jungwoo on his own cock is so good. But he keeps going and eventually gets to a good rhythm that has Jungwoo moaning alongside him. 

It doesn’t take long for Doyoung to feel his edge coming.

“I’m close” he whispers, mouth against Jungwoo’s.

“Me too” Jungwoo mewls.

That only makes Doyoung crawl closer to his orgasm and his hand picks up the pace. Jungwoo moans louder and it’s music to his ears. 

“Jungwoo, I-” he manages to say before his high tears through his mind and body like lighting and he’s spilling all over Jungwoo’s hand.

He can hear Jungwoo cry out his name and can feel his fingers become coated with warm liquid. 

They are both panting, foreheads against each other, covered in a thin layer of sweat. Doyoung is the first to move, kissing Jungwoo’s nose tip. That makes him giggle.

“Hi” says Jungwoo, batting his eyes at him.

“Hi” Doyoung replies with a smile.

Jungwoo kisses him tenderly, then gets up. “Let me get some wipes.”

They clean up.

“Do you wanna-” starts Doyoung unsure. “I don’t know, take a shower?”

Jungwoo looks at him for a second.

“Sure.”

They take their towels, robes and toiletries to the dorm bathroom. Doyoung gets a bit self conscious to be completely naked in front of Jungwoo, but thinks about what they just did and pushes that aside as a silly thought. He pulls Jungwoo close under the warm water and kisses him for a long time before they decide to actually start showering, brushing one another’s backs and rubbing shampoo on their heads.

That night, they fall asleep together on Doyoung’s bed in each other’s arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're almost at the end! i hope the people reading this are enjoying. i really liked sharing this story, it was very cathartic to write and publish and read your comments. ♥


	7. i will follow you into the dark

He is in the living room of their apartment, opening packages of Christmas ornaments, when he realizes the first snowfall of December just started. Jungwoo drops everything on the couch and approaches the glass, nose almost touching it.

Suddenly, a pair of arms snake around his waist, startling him.

“Baby, you scared me” he looks at Doyoung, head crooked over his shoulder.

Doyoung kisses his cheek. “I did it on purpose.”

Jungwoo laughs. “How dare you.”

He gives Doyoung a peck on the lips. 

“We can go outside if you want” Doyoung says.

“We have decorating to do and then I wanna snuggle in front of the fireplace” says Jungwoo, pulling Doyoung back to the place where they set their first Christmas tree.

Doyoung chuckles. “Whatever you want.”

Jungwoo makes them hot chocolate and they drink while adorning the long green branches, soft music in the background. 

“Did you upload the last video?”

“Yes, already has a bunch of comments and views” says Doyoung. “It helps that Taeyong mentioned it on Vlive.”

“He did?” exclaims Jungwoo.

“He listened to it” says Doyoung, embarrassed. Jungwoo still finds that adorable. 

After the tree is done, all golden and twinkling, Doyoung starts a fire and Jungwoo puts a bunch of blankets and pillows in front of the fireplace, over their carpet.

“Get in here” he calls Doyoung, eager.

His boyfriend complies, slipping under the heavy covers and snuggling into his arms. Jungwoo shuts his eyes and sighs content as Doyoung buries his face in the curve of his neck. 

“This is good. We should move our mattress here” says Doyoung.

Jungwoo laughs. “Sure, bunny.”

He kisses the top of Doyoung’s head and Doyoung repays by kissing his neck. Jungwoo shivers and hums. So Doyoung keeps placing gentle kisses on his skin. Jungwoo bites his lower lip, feeling his body heat up from Doyoung’s touch. He slides fingers in his dark hair, seeking purchase. 

Doyoung comes up and kisses him on the mouth and Jungwoo opens his lips for him, tongues brushing together lightly. Doyoung holds him tight as the touch deepens and unravels from innocent to lustful. Jungwoo’s skin is flaring and he pulls Doyoung on top of him by the hips, needing more contact. He slides his hands under his boyfriend’s shirt, digging in his nails, making Doyoung gasp. So he bites Jungwoo’s lower lip and tugs on his strawberry blond hair in the way he knows Jungwoo likes. 

That’s enough to make Jungwoo want to rip off their clothes as soon as possible. So he pushes Doyoung to sit on his haunches and fumbles with his sweater to take it off. 

“Lube?” Doyoung asks.

“Yeah.”

Doyoung gets up quick and goes to the bedroom. Jungwoo strips naked and waits under the covers for Doyoung to come back. When he does, with a lube bottle and a condom, he quickly undresses and lies beside him. Jungwoo pulls him for another intense kiss, while his hand reaches and tugs at Doyoung’s cock. His boyfriend can’t help but moan and Jungwoo savors it. Doyoung focuses and coats his fingers with lube, rubbing them together to warm it up, then puts his hand between Jungwoo’s legs. It’s his time to moan, as pain and pleasure hit him at once, and he’s shutting his eyes hard while Doyoung opens him up nice and easy. Jungwoo just loves the way he does it, teasing him in the right places, taking his time, making sure he’s comfortable before the next step. 

Jungwoo is feeling pampered, getting kisses all over his face and neck, while Doyoung takes his breath away with his fingertips. He is driven to the edge of his desire before Doyoung stops and rolls on the condom, finally settling in between his legs. Jungwoo holds him close by the neck, digging his heels on his lower back, as Doyoung starts sinking into him. He captures Jungwoo’s lips, swallowing his gasps and hums. Even in the cold of the night, their bodies are blazing with heat, blankets tossed aside and forgotten. After a moment of just kissing, Doyoung starts moving slowly.

Skin against skin aflame, Doyoung holds Jungwoo by the hip with one hand, fingertips digging so deep they will leave marks. He’s adjusting their positions as they fuck, looking for that right spot that’ll drive Jungwoo insane. They are kissing between gasps, nibbling each other’s lips until they are puffy and red. Jungwoo can feel Doyoung and nothing else, mind completely empty of the world outside the two of them. When a spike in pleasure hits him like a lighting bolt, Jungwoo can’t help a loud mewl, throwing his head back into the pillow. Doyoung increases the pace as they tremble, inching towards their peak. 

“Baby” Jungwoo whimpers breathlessly. “Don’t stop.”

That only makes Doyoung squeeze Jungwoo in his arms tighter and fuck him harder. Jungwoo lets himself crumble under the pressure and the pleasure, tipping over the edge with a scream, as his orgasm shatters his body in waves. He’s shaking and panting, while Doyoung takes them through their highs together. 

Doyoung collapses over his chest. Jungwoo is catching his breath, wanting to laugh and cry at the same time, after such an intense feeling. He’s still a bit dazed, coming down from it slowly, as he feels Doyoung kissing his collarbone.

“I love you” his boyfriend says.

Jungwoo didn’t wanna do it at first. Being in a relationship was the last thing he wanted after his diagnosis. Especially being in one with his best friend. Jungwoo struggled a lot to accept the idea that he was in love with Doyoung, and that Doyoung was in love with him, after everything they had been through. The hardest part though, was accepting that he deserved to be loved, even with all the shadows that lived inside him.

It’s been almost a year since Doyoung saved his life. And he saved him in so many different ways since then.

But the best part, though, is knowing he also saves Doyoung from his own shadows. And that he deserves to love Doyoung too.

“I love you like crazy, bunny.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and it's a wrap!  
> i'm so so happy to have put this story into the world, it healed me in many ways, and i hope those of you that read it also enjoyed it!
> 
> this is basically an epilogue that's set months after the last chapter. you are free to imagine the rest of their lives together :) hopefully something very good! because they deserve it ♥
> 
> if you want, check out my other fics! now i also write under the pseud mizpari.  
> twt and cc: mizmelodrama

**Author's Note:**

> twt: [mizmelodrama](https://www.twitter.com/mizmelodrama)


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